Your Child Just Told You They’re Trans
Take a moment. Breathe. You have learned new things before, and you can do it again.
Want more depth? Understanding Gender Diversity goes further on terms, questions and what comes next.
In this guide
- What you need to know
- What being trans means
- What to say right now
- What being trans is not
- Questions parents ask
- Support for you
Need to talk now? Call or text 9-8-8
Maybe your child told you they would like to use different pronouns or a different name. Maybe they told you they are a girl, a boy, non-binary, or that they don’t feel like the gender they were raised as. However it came out, they chose to tell you. That matters.
What you need to know
No one is more of an expert in your child’s gender than your child. Listen to them, and the rest will fall into place. Let them be your guide, and you can be their unconditional love and support. That is what we sign up for as parents.
You don’t need to fully understand someone’s gender to love and support them. If you aren’t trans, you’ll never entirely know what that experience is like, in the same way no man fully knows what it is to be a woman. You don’t have to. You just have to be their parent.
You don’t have to be perfect to be supportive. You just have to keep showing up.
What being trans means
Transgender, or trans, is an umbrella term for people who know deep down that they are not the gender they were assumed to be when they were born. Trans people are a different gender than the one they were raised to be.
- Trans girls and women
- raised as boys, who know themselves to be girls or women
- Trans boys and men
- raised as girls, who know themselves to be boys or men
- Non-binary people
- a different gender than the one they were raised, outside the man/woman binary
- Two-Spirit people
- an Indigenous-specific term for sexual, gender, cultural and/or spiritual identity
Different trans people define who they are in different ways. Over time, you’ll learn from your kid what being trans means to them. In the meantime, be patient, love them, and do regular family things. Not every conversation needs to be about gender. Really, it shouldn’t be; there needs to be space to just live and connect.
Gender is one part of a life. Your kid’s interests, humour, values, strengths and the ways they connect with you are all still there.
What to say right now
You don’t need a speech. Any of these, said out loud, is enough for today.
“Thank you for telling me.”
It took courage. Name that first.
“What name and pronouns would you like me to use?”
Then use them. It’s the most practical form of love there is.
“I might get it wrong sometimes. Keep correcting me.”
Permission to be imperfect takes the pressure off you both.
“Who else knows? Who do you want to tell, and when?”
That’s their decision. You keep it safe.
If you slip on a name or pronoun: correct yourself and move on. “She, sorry, he was saying…” A long apology makes it about you.
What being trans is not
Being trans is
- Part of who your child is
- More common than most people think: about 1 in 300 Canadians over 15
- Something your child understands better than anyone
- Something families get through together
Being trans is not
- A phase
- Something someone chooses
- Something wrong with someone
- An ideology, or something you caused
Questions parents ask
Did I do something wrong? Is that why my kid is trans?
Absolutely not. In fact, you did something right. If they are talking to you about being trans, it means they trust you and want to share this part of themselves with you. That is a gift. It’s when a kid stops talking to you about who they are that you need to worry.
Just as nothing could make you transgender, nothing anyone did made your kid transgender. They simply are. It’s part of who they are.
Is this a mental illness? Why is my kid so sad?
Being transgender is not a mental illness. Some trans people experience gender dysphoria, a diagnosis that describes distress about one’s assigned sex, not the identity itself. The usual response is support and, where wanted, transition.
Research consistently finds that higher rates of depression among trans people come from stigma, discrimination, poverty and lack of support, not from being trans. Parental support is one of the strongest protective factors there is. You have real power here.
I don’t know these words. What if I say the wrong thing?
You will, at some point. Everyone does. What matters is learning from it, acknowledging it, and apologizing if an apology is in order. You can also just ask: “What does that word mean to you?” Their meaning matters more than a dictionary’s.
There’s a plain-language glossary in the deeper guide when you’re ready.
You don’t have to figure this out alone
pflag chapters across Canada hold peer support meetings for parents and families of trans and gender-diverse kids, often led by parents who sat exactly where you’re sitting now.
Your kid is still your kid. Listen, love them, and learn as you go.
Ready for the full picture?
Understanding Gender Diversity
Need to talk to someone now?
If you or someone you love is in crisis, free support is available any time.
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline Call or text, 24/7, in English and French.
- 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help Phone For young people, 24/7.
- 1-877-330-6366 Trans Lifeline Peer support run by and for trans people.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.