What to Expect at Your First pflag Meeting
Walking into a room of strangers to talk about your family, or about yourself, can feel like a lot. Most people are nervous the first time. Here’s what actually happens, so there are fewer surprises.
Just found out? Start with the first 48 hours
A pflag meeting is a peer support group: the people in the room have been where you are. Chapters run different kinds of groups, so the first step is finding the one that fits you. Nobody there is going to judge you, fix you or tell you how to feel.
You can come exactly as you are.
Which group is for you?
Parents and Caregivers
For parents, grandparents, siblings and caregivers of a 2SLGBTQIA+ person of any age. Your loved one isn’t in the room, so you can say what you’re really feeling.
Coming Out
For people working through their own sexual orientation or gender identity: questioning, just out, or deciding who to tell. You don’t need a label to come.
Peer Support
For 2SLGBTQIA+ people who want ongoing support and community, wherever they are in life. Came out a while ago? This group is still for you.
All welcome
For everyone together: family members, friends and 2SLGBTQIA+ people. A good fit for families who want to come together, and the group most chapters start with.
Community Response
Different chapters offer different programs, depending on what their community needs. These could be gender-inclusive swims, food pantries, or even Pride proms! Connect with your local chapter to learn what they offer, or to ask for something new.
Each chapter’s page lists which groups it runs. Some run one all-welcome group, others run several. Not sure which fits? Ask the chapter. It’s one of the most common first questions.
What a meeting is (and isn’t)
A pflag meeting is
- Free
- Confidential: what’s shared stays in the room
- Led by trained volunteers with lived experience
- Open to wherever you are right now
- In person, online, or both, depending on the chapter
It isn’t
- Therapy or counselling
- A place you’ll be asked to explain yourself
- A lecture
- Only for people who are already fully supportive
- Something you have to commit to
What usually happens
- You’re welcomed at the door (or the screen)A facilitator says hello, and may ask for a first name. That’s all you need to give.
- The group agrees on a few ground rulesConfidentiality, listening without interrupting, and speaking from your own experience.
- People go around and check inEach person can share a little about why they’re there. You can also say “I’d just like to listen today.”
- The conversation follows the roomSome meetings have a topic. Most follow what people need to talk about that night.
- It wraps up gentlyMany people stay a few minutes after to talk one on one, or to pick up a resource.
Worries people bring
“What if I cry?”
“What if I say the wrong word?”
“What if I know someone there?”
“I’m not sure I’m supportive yet.”
“My kid doesn’t know I’m going.”
Every one of these is welcome. Tissues are usually on the table, nobody is graded on vocabulary, and confidentiality goes both ways.
If you want to say something
Short is fine. These are good first lines.
“My daughter came out last month, and I don’t know where to start.”
Facts first. The group will take it from there.
“I’m figuring some things out about myself, and I haven’t told anyone yet.”
Wherever you are in coming out, someone in the room has been there.
“I’m here because I want to understand.”
Wanting to learn is the whole point of the room.
“I’m not ready to talk. I just want to listen.”
Completely normal, and often how people start.
“I think I handled it badly.”
You’ll find you’re far from the only one.
If you’re coming as a family: an all-welcome group lets you go together. In a Parents and Caregivers or Coming Out group, each of you gets a room of people in your own shoes. Many families start separately and come together later.
Questions people ask
Do I have to talk?
No. Listening is a full way to take part.
Can I bring someone?
In a Parents and Caregivers or all-welcome group, usually yes: a partner, co-parent or friend. Coming Out and Peer Support groups are for the people they’re named for, so check with the chapter first.
Can my child come with me?
In an all-welcome group, yes. Otherwise, your child may get more from the Coming Out or Peer Support group while you go to Parents and Caregivers. Ask the chapter about ages, since some groups are for adults only.
Does it cost anything?
No. Meetings are free.
What if there’s no chapter near me?
Several chapters meet online, so you can join from anywhere in Canada. On the chapters page, look for chapters marked Online.
Is it confidential?
Yes. Groups agree that what’s shared in the room stays there.
Do I have to keep coming?
No. Come once, come monthly, or come back in a year. The door stays open.
Your first meeting is the hardest one
After that, it’s a room of people who get it. Chapters across Canada meet in person and online every month.
You don’t have to have it figured out to walk in.
Need to talk to someone now?
If you or someone you love is in crisis, free support is available any time.
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline Call or text, 24/7, in English and French.
- 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help Phone For young people, 24/7.
- 1-877-330-6366 Trans Lifeline Peer support run by and for trans people.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.