Being an Ally to Your Friend’s Kid
Young people do better when more than one adult has their back. If your friend’s child is 2SLGBTQIA+, you can be one of those adults, whether you’re a close family friend, a godparent, a neighbour, or the “aunt” or “uncle” who isn’t technically related.
You may have known this young person since they were born. You may be the adult they joke around with at family dinners, or the one who shows up at their games. That relationship can mean more than you realize, especially now.
You don’t have to be a parent to make a difference in a young person’s life.
Why it matters
One accepting adult makes a difference.
A 2019 survey of LGBTQ young people in the U.S. found that those with at least one accepting adult in their life were 40% less likely to report a suicide attempt in the past year. That adult doesn’t have to be a parent.
Source: The Trevor Project, Accepting Adults Reduce Suicide Attempts Among LGBTQ Youth (2019)
Some young people have parents who are wonderfully supportive. Others have parents who are still finding their way. Either way, every additional adult who treats them with respect adds to their sense that the world has room for them.
What being an ally looks like
- Use their name and pronouns, every time.Including when they’re not in the room. That’s how other people learn too.
- Treat them the same.Ask about their hockey, their art, their exams, their favourite show. Their identity is one part of them, not the only thing you talk about.
- Speak up.When someone makes a joke or a dismissive comment, say something. Young people notice which adults step in.
- Let your everyday words show you’re safe.How you talk about 2SLGBTQIA+ people in passing, at dinner or watching the news, tells a young person whether they can trust you.
- Don’t make them your cause.Being an ally isn’t about grand gestures or posting about them. It’s about being steady and respectful.
- Respect their parents’ role.You’re one of the adults in their corner, not a replacement for their family.
If they come out to you
Sometimes young people come out to a trusted adult before they tell their parents, because the stakes feel lower.
- Listen, and thank them.“Thank you for telling me. I’m really glad you did.”
- Ask what they need.Maybe nothing. Maybe someone to practise telling their parents with.
- Keep their identity private.Don’t tell their parents, your partner or anyone else. It’s their story to tell, when and how they choose.
- Encourage, don’t push.If they’re thinking about telling their parents, you can help them think it through. The timing is theirs.
Privacy, safety and boundaries
Keeping who they are private is different from keeping secrets with them.
Keep their identity private. That’s their right.
Keep your relationship open. Being a trusted adult doesn’t mean private chats or meetups their parents don’t know about. Stay the same adult you’ve always been in their life, in the same settings, with their parents’ knowledge. Good allies never ask a young person to keep secrets from their family.
Never keep a safety risk secret. If a young person tells you they’re being hurt, are thinking about suicide, or aren’t safe at home, get help. You can say: “I’ll keep who you are private. But if you tell me you’re not safe, I’ll need to get you help, and I’ll tell you before I do.”
Help them build a wider circle. Rather than being their only support, help them find others: a school GSA or QSA, a local 2SLGBTQIA+ youth group, or a youth helpline.
If a young person is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. Young people can reach Kids Help Phone any time at 1-800-668-6868, or by texting CONNECT to 686868. If you believe a child isn’t safe at home, contact your local child protection agency.
Supporting your friend too
Your friend may be going through a lot, even if they’re fully supportive.
- Ask how they’re doing.“How are you doing with all this? I’m here for you too.”
- Don’t critique their parenting.Even if they’re struggling, judgment rarely helps someone change.
- If they’re having a hard time accepting it,stay close to both of them. Share When Your First Reaction Wasn’t Your Best, or suggest a pflag meeting. Many parents come around because someone they trust stayed patient with them.
- Understand what they’re facing.Coming Out as a Parent explains the conversations your friend may be dreading.
What to say
“Thanks for telling me. I think you’re great, and this doesn’t change that.”
To the young person. Short and warm.
“Is there anything you’d like me to do, or not do?”
To the young person. It lets them set the terms.
“How are you doing with all this? I’m here for you, too.”
To your friend. Parents need allies as well.
“Your kid is lucky to have you.”
To your friend, if they’re supportive. It means a lot.
Questions allies ask
I think my friend’s kid might be gay or trans, but no one has said anything. Should I ask?
No. Don’t ask the young person or speculate with their parents. Just be a safe, welcoming adult. If and when they’re ready, they’ll know they can come to you.
My friend’s kid came out to me, but not to their parents. What do I do?
Keep their identity private, and keep your relationship with the family open and ordinary. If they want help thinking about telling their parents, you can offer that. If anything they tell you suggests they’re not safe, get help.
My friend isn’t accepting their kid. Should I step in?
Stay close to both of them. Talk honestly with your friend, without judgment: “I care about you both, and I’m worried about how this is going.” Share resources and suggest pflag. Don’t undermine your friend in front of their child. If you believe the child isn’t safe, get help.
I got their name or pronouns wrong.
Correct yourself quickly and keep going: “Sorry, she. I mean they.” A long apology turns your mistake into their job.
I’d like to take them to Pride or buy them something.
That can be a lovely gesture. Check with their parents first, and with the young person. It keeps everything open and makes sure it’s welcome.
I’m a coach, teacher or youth leader. Does this apply to me?
Much of it does, especially using the right name and pronouns and speaking up against harassment. Your organization’s policies on safeguarding, privacy and communicating with young people come first.
Read next: Coming Out as a Parent · Understanding Sexual Orientation · Supporting Your Non-binary Child
Help them find support
For the young person: a school GSA or QSA, a local 2SLGBTQIA+ youth organization, or Kids Help Phone can help them build a wider circle. For your friend: pflag chapters across Canada hold peer support meetings for parents and families, in person and online.
Being one of the steady adults in a young person’s life is one of the most powerful things you can do.
Need to talk to someone now?
If you or someone you love is in crisis, free support is available any time.
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline Call or text, 24/7, in English and French.
- 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help Phone For young people, 24/7.
- 1-877-330-6366 Trans Lifeline Peer support run by and for trans people.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.