“Coming Out” as a Parent
Your child came out. Now you’re the one deciding who to tell, how to say it, and what to do when people react. Parents have a coming out too, and it can be harder than anyone warns you.
When a child comes out, parents often find themselves holding news that’s not entirely theirs to share, at the very moment they most need someone to talk to. This guide helps you work through that, one conversation at a time.
You can protect your child’s privacy and still get the support you need.
You’re not the only one
“Who am I even allowed to tell?”
“I dread telling my mother.”
“What if my friends react badly?”
“Someone at work asked how my daughter’s doing, and I froze.”
“I want to post that I’m proud, but is that mine to post?”
“I’m worried about the holidays.”
Parents’ own coming out is one of the most common topics at pflag meetings. These questions don’t mean you’re ashamed. They mean you’re being careful with something precious.
Their story, your support
There’s a real tension here. You need to talk to people. But your child’s identity is their story to tell, and telling someone before they’re ready can put them at risk, at school, at work, or in the extended family.
You can usually find a way to honour both:
- Ask your child.“I’d like to talk to someone about how I’m feeling. Who would you be okay with me telling?” Many kids are relieved to be asked.
- Talk about your feelings, not their identity.“My kid shared something big with me, and I’m processing it” gets you support without revealing details.
- Use confidential spaces.pflag meetings, a counsellor or a helpline are places where you can say everything out loud without it travelling.
- Check again before going public.Even if your child is out with friends, they may not want relatives, coworkers or social media to know yet. Ask before every new circle.
If your child’s other parent isn’t ready for anyone to know, see When You and Your Co-parent Don’t Agree.
Who to tell first
- Start with someone likely to be kind.A first conversation that goes well gives you confidence for the harder ones.
- Practise.Saying it out loud, even to a mirror or a pflag group, makes it easier the next time.
- Widen the circle gradually.Close friends, then family, then work or community, at a pace that suits you and your child.
- You don’t owe anyone an announcement.Some families tell everyone at once. Many let it come up naturally over time. Both are fine.
What to say
You don’t need a speech. A few calm sentences, said with confidence, tell people how to respond.
“My kid came out as gay. I’m proud of them, and I’m still taking it in. I could use someone to talk to.”
For a close friend. It’s honest and it invites support.
“Our child asked me to let you know: they’re trans, and their name is Sam now. We’d love your help getting it right.”
For family, once your child has said yes. It makes clear what you need from them.
“My kid’s non-binary. We’re doing well. I might need some flexibility for appointments over the next while.”
For a coworker or manager. Short, positive, practical.
“That’s private, but thanks for asking how we’re doing.”
For anyone who asks something intrusive.
How you say it matters as much as what you say. If you sound calm and proud, most people take their cue from you. People you tell at work might find Supporting a Coworker Whose Child Came Out helpful. Close friends might appreciate Being an Ally to Your Friend’s Kid.
When people react
People will surprise you, in both directions. Some you expected to struggle will be wonderful. A few you counted on may let you down.
- Kindness.Let it in. A friend saying “your kid is lucky to have you” can carry you for weeks.
- Awkward silence.People often go quiet because they’re afraid of saying the wrong thing. Help them: “You can ask me questions. I’m still learning too.”
- Pity.If someone says “I’m sorry,” you can answer: “There’s nothing to be sorry about. We’re proud of them.”
- Intrusive questions.Questions about your child’s body, medical care or sex life are off-limits, whoever asks. “That’s not something we’re sharing” is a complete answer.
- Hostility or judgment.You don’t have to win the argument. “I love my child. That’s not up for debate” is enough. You can limit contact with people who are unkind, especially around your child.
- Gossip.If your news travels further than you meant it to, correct it calmly and reset the boundary: “Please don’t share this. It’s not your story to tell, or mine.”
Family gatherings
Holidays and family events are where many parents feel the pressure most.
What helps
- Asking your child if they want to go
- Telling key relatives ahead of time
- Correcting mistakes yourself
- Planning a way to leave
- Debriefing together afterwards
What makes it harder
- Surprising everyone at the dinner table
- Expecting your child to educate relatives
- Letting comments slide to keep the peace
- Pressuring your child to “just get through it”
- Choosing relatives’ comfort over your child’s
If relatives won’t use your child’s name or pronouns, it’s okay to shorten visits or step away. Your child will remember whose side you were on. For more on relatives and pronouns, see Supporting Your Non-binary Child.
Questions parents ask
Do I have to tell anyone?
No. But carrying it entirely alone is hard, and it isn’t necessary. Even one trusted person, or a pflag meeting, can make a big difference.
My child wants everyone to know, but I’m not ready.
That’s a real gap, and it’s common. Be honest: “I’m proud of you, and I need a little time to find my words.” Try not to ask them to hide for your comfort. The goal is to catch up to them, not to slow them down.
Someone told people before I, or my child, was ready.
That can feel awful. Check in with your child first: are they okay, and do they feel safe? Then talk to the person who shared it, and ask them not to go further.
Should I post about it on social media?
Only with your child’s clear permission, even if the post is supportive. Once something is online, you can’t control who sees it.
What if I lose friends over this?
Some relationships may change. Many parents find that the people who stay become closer, and that they make new friends, often at pflag, who truly understand.
My faith community may not accept this.
Many families of faith have walked this path before you. You don’t have to choose between your faith and your child. Many faith communities in Canada welcome 2SLGBTQIA+ people and their families, and your local chapter can connect you with other parents of faith.
Read next: Supporting a Coworker Whose Child Came Out · Being an Ally to Your Friend’s Kid · When You and Your Co-parent Don’t Agree
You don’t have to do this alone
Every parent at a pflag meeting has had to decide who to tell and what to say. It’s one of the most useful things to talk through with people who’ve done it. Not sure what a meeting is like? Read What to Expect at Your First pflag Meeting.
Telling your story well is one more way of showing your child you’re proud of them.
Need to talk to someone now?
If you or someone you love is in crisis, free support is available any time.
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline Call or text, 24/7, in English and French.
- 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help Phone For young people, 24/7.
- 1-877-330-6366 Trans Lifeline Peer support run by and for trans people.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.