When You and Your Co-parent Don’t Agree
Your child came out, and the two of you are in very different places. That’s one of the most common situations we hear about, and one of the hardest. It doesn’t have to stay this way.
In this guide
- You’re not the only one
- Why it matters to your child
- Find your common ground
- Having the conversation
- Keeping your child out of the middle
- If you’re the one who’s struggling
- If you live apart
- When safety comes first
- Questions parents ask
- Support for you
Need to talk now? Call or text 9-8-8
“Co-parent” here means anyone raising your child with you: a spouse, a partner, an ex, a step-parent, or a grandparent who shares the parenting. This guide is for you whether you’re the parent who’s ready or the parent who’s still finding your way.
“Not there yet” isn’t the same as “never.”
You’re not the only one
“My partner says it’s a phase and won’t discuss it.”
“I’m trying, but my spouse is moving way faster than me.”
“Our kid told me first and asked me not to tell their other parent.”
“My ex keeps using their old name.”
“We fight about this every night.”
“I don’t recognize the person I married right now.”
Parents rarely react to a child’s coming out the same way or at the same speed. Different reactions don’t mean your family is broken. They mean you’re two people.
Why it matters to your child
Your child is watching how the two of you handle this, and they may feel responsible for the conflict. Hearing parents argue about who they are can feel like an argument about whether they’re acceptable.
You don’t need to agree on everything to protect them. Young people do far better when they have even one accepting adult in their life. A 2019 survey of LGBTQ young people in the U.S. found that those with at least one accepting adult were 40% less likely to report a suicide attempt in the past year. You may be that adult right now. And when both parents move toward acceptance, even slowly, the benefit grows.
Source: The Trevor Project, Accepting Adults Reduce Suicide Attempts Among LGBTQ Youth (2019)
Find your common ground
Start with what you both want. Most parents, however they’re reacting, want the same things: for their child to be safe, happy and close to the family.
From there, try to agree on a floor: a few things you’ll both do even before you agree on everything else.
Our floor
- No hurtful words or jokes about our child’s identity in our home.
- Neither of us tells anyone without our child’s permission.
- We don’t argue about this in front of our child.
- We both use the name and pronouns our child has asked for, or we’re both actively working on it.
- Neither of us tries to change who our child is.
- We each find support for our own feelings, outside our child.
Write it down if that helps. A shared floor gives your child consistency, even while the two of you are still working through the bigger questions.
Having the conversation
- Pick a calm moment.Not in the middle of an argument, and not with your child in earshot.
- Listen for the fear under the words.“It’s a phase” often means “I’m scared for them.” “What will people think?” might mean “I’m scared of losing my family, my friends or my faith community.” Fear is easier to talk about than a position.
- Talk about your own experience.“I’m worried that when you use their old name, they’ll stop talking to us” lands better than “You’re hurting them.”
- Let them be where they are.Pushing too hard can make someone dig in. Progress often comes in small steps.
- Offer something to do, not a debate.Read one article together, like Your Child Just Came Out as Gay, Lesbian or Bi, Your Child Just Told You They’re Trans or Supporting Your Non-binary Child. Or go to one pflag meeting. Many hesitant parents find it easier to hear from another parent than from their partner. What to Expect at Your First pflag Meeting explains exactly what happens.
What helps
- Starting from shared goals
- Naming fears out loud
- Small, specific asks
- Giving each other time
- Outside support for both of you
What makes it harder
- Ultimatums
- Calling each other names
- Recruiting your child as an ally
- Keeping score
- Expecting change overnight
Keeping your child out of the middle
- Don’t make your child the messenger.Talk to each other directly.
- Don’t ask them to take sides, or to reassure you about the other parent.
- Don’t criticize their other parent to them.You can be honest without tearing the other person down.
- Tell them the truth, simply.“Your other parent is still working through this. That’s their work to do, not yours. We both love you.”
- If they told one of you first,that’s common. It isn’t a betrayal of the other parent. It usually means they guessed who would feel safest to start with.
If you’re the one who’s struggling
Maybe your co-parent seems ready and you’re not. That’s okay. You can love your child and still need time to catch up.
While you do, you can:
- be kind, and say “I love you” even when you’re unsure about everything else
- use the name and pronouns your child has asked for, even if it feels strange
- keep your doubts away from your child, and take them to a partner, a counsellor or other parents
- come to a pflag meeting. Many parents there started exactly where you are.
If you’ve already said something you regret, see When Your First Reaction Wasn’t Your Best.
If you live apart
Different homes often have different rules, and that’s especially hard here. If your child is called one name at one parent’s house and another name at the other, they’ll feel the difference keenly.
- Try to agree on the floorabove, even if you agree on little else.
- Use the tools you already haveto talk about other parenting decisions, like a co-parenting app, a mediator or a family counsellor.
- Get legal advice before acting alone on bigger decisions.Changing a legal name, school records or health care can depend on your parenting arrangement and your province or territory. A family lawyer, legal aid or a provincial family justice service can explain your options. This guide isn’t legal advice.
- Remember your child’s own voice.As children get older, their views carry more weight, both at home and in family law.
When safety comes first
Disagreement is one thing. Harm is another. If your co-parent’s words or actions put your child at risk, your child’s safety comes first. This includes:
- threatening to kick them out, or actually doing it
- physical harm or threats of harm
- constant insults, humiliation or isolation
- pressuring your child into counselling or religious programs meant to change who they are
That last one is so-called conversion therapy. Since January 2022, it has been a crime in Canada to cause anyone to undergo it, whatever their age, or to take a child out of the country for it. A good counsellor helps your family communicate and support your child. They don’t try to change your child’s orientation or gender.
If your child is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. If you’re worried about their safety at home, contact your local child protection agency. Your child can always reach Kids Help Phone at 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868, any time.
Questions parents ask
My partner says they accept it, but they won’t talk about it.
Silence can feel like rejection to a child, even when it isn’t meant that way. Ask your partner for one small, visible step: saying “I love you,” asking about their friends, or using their name. Acceptance often grows through action before it shows up in conversation.
Should we see a counsellor together?
That can help, if it’s the right counsellor. Ask first: “Do you work with families of 2SLGBTQIA+ young people? What would your goal be?” If the answer involves changing your child, find someone else.
Our child asked me not to tell their other parent.
Respect that for now. Outing your child, even to their other parent, can break their trust. Talk with your child about what they’re worried about, and whether they’d like help telling their other parent when they’re ready. If you have safety concerns, put safety first.
What if we never agree?
Some couples never fully agree, and their children still grow up feeling loved. The floor matters more than agreement. If one of you can’t keep even the floor, get support. Your child’s wellbeing has to come before keeping the peace.
My partner was the one who came out, not our child.
That’s a different situation, with its own feelings. See Your Partner Just Came Out.
My faith and my co-parent’s faith pull us in different directions.
Many families of faith have walked this path before you. You don’t have to choose between your faith and your child. Your local chapter can connect you with parents who’ve worked through the same tensions.
Read next: When Your First Reaction Wasn’t Your Best · What to Expect at Your First pflag Meeting · Supporting Your Non-binary Child
You don’t have to do this alone
Parents who came to pflag on opposite sides of the kitchen table are now sitting side by side at our meetings. Come alone, or bring your co-parent. Either is a good start.
You don’t have to agree on everything to agree on loving your child.
Need to talk to someone now?
If you or someone you love is in crisis, free support is available any time.
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline Call or text, 24/7, in English and French.
- 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help Phone For young people, 24/7.
- 1-877-330-6366 Trans Lifeline Peer support run by and for trans people.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.