Your Child Just Came Out as Gay, Lesbian or Bi
Your child just told you something about who they are, and maybe about who they might love one day. You don’t need the perfect words. You need them to know your love hasn’t changed.
Just found out? Start with the first 48 hours
Whether your child is 13 or 35, coming out to a parent is one of the biggest risks they’ll ever take. They chose to take it with you. This guide is for the days and weeks that follow, once the first conversation is over and you’re both working out what comes next.
If your child told you they’re trans or non-binary, start with Your Child Just Told You They’re Trans or Supporting Your Non-binary Child. Some young people come out about both their gender and who they’re attracted to. Both guides can help.
Your child is the same person they were yesterday. Now you know them a little better.
You’re not the only one
“Did I do something to cause this?”
“Is it just a phase?”
“I’m scared people will be cruel to them.”
“I’m fine with it, so why do I feel sad?”
“How do we tell my parents?”
“Honestly, I think I always knew.”
Parents say all of these at pflag meetings, often in the same evening. None of them makes you unsupportive. What matters is what you do next.
What this does and doesn’t change
What doesn’t change: Your child is the same person, with the same sense of humour, the same habits and the same need for you. Their future can still include a partner, a wedding and children, if that’s what they want. Same-sex marriage has been legal across Canada since 2005, and 2SLGBTQIA+ people build families in all kinds of ways.
What might change: the picture of your child’s future that you’d been carrying, maybe without realizing it. Letting go of that picture can feel like grief, even when you’re fully supportive. That’s normal. It’s also yours to work through, not your child’s.
A few things to know about sexual orientation:
- It isn’t a choice, and it isn’t caused by parenting, a friend group or something you did or didn’t do.
- It isn’t something that can be changed, and attempts to change it cause real harm. In Canada, making someone undergo so-called conversion therapy is a crime, whatever their age.
- For young people, coming out is about identity: who they are, and who they might date or love one day. It isn’t a statement about sex.
For the words your child might use, like bi, pan, queer or ace, see Understanding Sexual Orientation.
Your reaction matters more than you might think.
In one landmark study, young adults who had faced high levels of family rejection as teens were over eight times more likely to report a suicide attempt than those whose families showed little or no rejection. Small shifts toward acceptance made a measurable difference.
Source: Ryan et al. (2009), Pediatrics, Family Acceptance Project, San Francisco State University
The first few weeks
- Keep things ordinary.Dinners, chores, inside jokes, the usual arguments about screen time. Normal life is one of the clearest ways to show that nothing about your love has changed.
- Let them decide who knows.Ask: “Who knows already? Is there anyone you’d like to tell, and do you want help?” Telling relatives, teachers, coaches or your faith community before your child is ready can put them at risk. Their story is theirs to tell.
- Learn a little on your own.Read, listen, ask other parents. Your child shouldn’t have to be your only teacher.
- Keep an eye on the bigger picture.Being gay, lesbian or bi isn’t a problem. Bullying, isolation and stigma can be. Notice changes in mood, sleep, friendships or school, and ask about them the way you would with any child.
- Talk with your child’s other parent.If you’re not on the same page, that’s common. When You and Your Co-parent Don’t Agree can help.
- Find somewhere for your own feelings.A partner, a trusted friend, a counsellor, or other parents at a pflag meeting.
What helps
- Saying “I love you” out loud
- Asking before sharing their news
- Learning the words they use
- Treating their crushes and relationships like any other
- Getting support of your own
What makes it harder
- “Are you sure?”
- “Just don’t tell your grandparents”
- Asking them to keep it quiet “for now” for your sake
- Treating it as a topic that’s off-limits
- Making them responsible for your feelings
What to say
You don’t need a speech. Short and honest is best.
“Thank you for telling me. I love you, and that hasn’t changed.”
Say it even if you said it the first time. They may need to hear it again.
“Is there anything you’re worried about, or anything you want me to know?”
It invites them to share the hard parts, like school, friends or faith.
“Who else knows? Who would you like to tell, and how can I help?”
It puts them in charge of their own story.
“I’m still learning, and I might get things wrong. Tell me if I do.”
It makes it safe for them to correct you.
If your first reaction was one you’d take back, like “Are you sure?” or “You’re too young to know,” it’s not too late. See When Your First Reaction Wasn’t Your Best.
When they start dating
When your child starts dating, the rules should be the same ones you’d have for any of your kids: curfews, respect, safety and consent. Ask about the person they like. Invite their partner to dinner. If your child’s straight sibling could bring a date to a family event, so can they.
Many young people meet friends and partners online, especially if they don’t know other 2SLGBTQIA+ people locally. Talk about online safety the same way you would with any teen. Their orientation isn’t the risk. Strangers who want to exploit young people are.
If your child is bi
Bisexual people are the largest group among Canadians who identify as lesbian, gay or bisexual. More than half of them are bi. But bi people are also the most likely to be doubted, by straight and gay people alike.
Your child may hear “It’s a phase,” “Just pick one,” or “But you dated someone of a different gender.” These can sting more than open hostility. The gender of the person your child dates doesn’t change their orientation. A bi person in a relationship with someone of a different gender is still bi.
Some young people use pansexual or queer instead. The difference matters more to some people than others. The best word is the one your child chooses.
Questions parents ask
Is this a phase?
Take your child seriously today. Some people’s understanding of themselves grows or shifts over time, and that’s not the same as being wrong. Your support isn’t a bet on a label. It’s a message that you love the person in front of you.
How can they know at this age?
Most people start noticing who they’re attracted to around puberty, straight kids included. Nobody asks a straight 12-year-old whether they’re sure.
Did I cause this?
No. Parenting doesn’t make a child gay, lesbian or bi, and nothing you did or didn’t do caused it. What your parenting does shape is whether your child feels safe telling you about their life.
They came out as an adult. Why didn’t they tell me sooner?
Many people need time to understand themselves first, or they wait until they feel safe enough. It’s not a measure of your relationship. Tell them you’re glad they told you, and ask what it was like to carry it alone. For more, see Your Adult Child Just Came Out.
My faith says this is wrong. What do I do?
Many families of faith have walked this path before you. You don’t have to choose between your faith and your child. Many faith communities in Canada welcome 2SLGBTQIA+ people and their families. See the faith organizations on our Resources page, or ask your local chapter about other parents of faith.
I’m worried about their safety.
That’s a loving worry. Sexual orientation is protected under Canadian human rights law, and attitudes have changed enormously, but discrimination still happens. The strongest protection you can offer is your support. Children who know their family is on their side cope far better with whatever the world throws at them.
What about grandchildren?
Gay, lesbian and bi people become parents through partnership, adoption, fostering, donors and surrogacy, just like many straight people do. If your child wants a family one day, their orientation won’t stop them.
Read next: Understanding Sexual Orientation · When You and Your Co-parent Don’t Agree · When Your First Reaction Wasn’t Your Best
You don’t have to do this alone
Parents across Canada have been where you are today, and pflag chapters hold peer support meetings for families like yours. Not sure what a meeting is like? Read What to Expect at Your First pflag Meeting.
They told you because they trust you. Keep showing them they were right.
Need to talk to someone now?
If you or someone you love is in crisis, free support is available any time.
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline Call or text, 24/7, in English and French.
- 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help Phone For young people, 24/7.
- 1-877-330-6366 Trans Lifeline Peer support run by and for trans people.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.