Supporting Your Non-binary Child
Your child has told you they don’t fit neatly into “boy” or “girl.” You may be relieved, confused, or both. You don’t need to understand it all to get the most important part right: believing them.
Just found out? Start with Your Child Just Told You They’re Trans
In this guide
- You’re not the only one
- What non-binary means
- Names, pronouns and family words
- Everyday life
- What to say
- Questions parents ask
- Support for you
Need to talk now? Call or text 9-8-8
This guide picks up where Your Child Just Told You They’re Trans leaves off. Some parents find a non-binary identity harder to picture than a binary trans one, because there’s no familiar “before and after.” That’s normal. You’re learning something new, and you have time.
You don’t have to understand your child’s gender to respect it.
You’re not the only one
“Is this a real thing, or something they saw online?”
“I keep saying ’she’ and I feel awful.”
“’They’ sounds like more than one person.”
“What do I tell my mother?”
“I miss saying ’my son.’”
“Does this mean they’ll want surgery?”
Parents say all of these at pflag meetings. They don’t make you unsupportive. They mean you’re taking it seriously.
What non-binary means
Non-binary is an umbrella term for people whose gender isn’t only “man” or “woman.” A non-binary person might:
- feel like both, or somewhere in between
- feel like neither (agender)
- feel their gender shift over time (genderfluid)
- use another word, like genderqueer, demigirl or demiboy
Some non-binary people consider themselves trans, and some don’t. Two-Spirit is a separate identity, held by some Indigenous people within their own cultures.
Being non-binary isn’t about how someone looks. Your child might dress in ways you’d call feminine, masculine, both, or something that changes from day to day. All of these are ways to be non-binary.
About 41,000 people in Canada aged 15 and older described themselves as non-binary in the 2021 Census.
That’s roughly 4 in every 10 trans and non-binary people.
Source: Statistics Canada, 2021 Census
In a national survey of trans and non-binary youth aged 14 to 25, 44% were non-binary.
For more terms, see the glossary in Understanding Gender Diversity.
Names, pronouns and family words
Pronouns. Many non-binary people use they/them. Others use she/they or he/they (either is fine, sometimes with a preference), neopronouns like ze/zir or xe/xem, or keep she or he. In French, many non-binary people use iel. It matters for bilingual families and French-immersion schools.
If they/them feels awkward, you already use it more than you think: “Someone left their jacket. I hope they come back for it.” Using “they” for one person has been part of English for centuries.
How to get comfortable:
- Practise out loud when your child isn’t around.Tell the dog about your day with them in it. Read a story and swap in their pronouns.
- Correct yourself quickly and keep going.“She… sorry, they said they’d be late.” A long apology makes the moment about your guilt.
- Use their name and pronouns when they’re not in the room, too.That’s where the habit is built, and it’s how others learn.
Family words. Words like son, daughter, brother, sister, niece and nephew are gendered. Ask your child which words feel right. Some are fine with “my daughter,” and some would rather be “my kid,” “my child,” “our youngest” or “my sibling.” There’s even a newer word for a non-binary niece or nephew: nibling.
Different names in different places. Some young people are out at home but not at school, or with friends but not with grandparents. Ask before you use their name or pronouns somewhere new, and never out them. Their story is theirs to tell.
More practical tips are in the Names and pronouns section of Understanding Gender Diversity.
Everyday life
Clothes, hair and expression. Let your child experiment. A haircut grows back. Feeling seen at home stays with them.
Washrooms and change rooms. Many schools, workplaces and community centres now have single-stall or all-gender options. Ask your child what feels safe, and help them find out what’s available.
School. Policies on names and pronouns at school vary by province and school board, and several provinces have changed theirs recently. Talk with your child before contacting the school, so you don’t out them. Then find out what your school’s current policy says.
Forms and ID. Canadian passports and many federal documents offer an X gender marker. Provincial and territorial ID rules vary. Some countries, including the United States, don’t recognize the X marker, and the Government of Canada advises that travellers using it may face difficulties at the border. Check current travel advice before booking a trip.
Health care. Some non-binary people seek medical care, like hormones, to feel more at home in their body. Many don’t. There’s no single path. Any medical decisions are made with a care team and with informed consent. See What transition can mean in Understanding Gender Diversity.
What helps
- Asking what they’d like to be called
- Practising until it’s natural
- Asking before sharing
- Letting them experiment
- Standing up for them with relatives
What makes it harder
- “Pick one”
- Using their old name “just at home”
- Debating grammar
- Telling relatives for them
- Treating their identity as a phase to wait out
What to say
“Thank you for telling me. What would you like me to call you?”
Start with their name. It’s the most personal part.
“Which pronouns should I use? Is it the same everywhere, or different at school or with family?”
It shows you understand that safety can vary.
“I’m going to practise. If I slip, just tell me. I won’t make it a big deal.”
It makes correcting you easy and low-stakes.
“Is there a word you’d like me to use instead of [son / daughter]?”
It shows you’re thinking about the small things, too.
If you’ve already reacted in a way you regret, it’s not too late. See When Your First Reaction Wasn’t Your Best.
Questions parents ask
Isn’t this just a trend?
More young people describe themselves as non-binary than in the past. Part of the reason is that they now have words for something people have always felt, and part is that it’s safer to say so. Either way, your child is telling you something about themselves, not following a fad.
They first said they were [gay / trans / a girl after all]. Now it’s non-binary. Do they really know?
Understanding your gender can take time, and each step is often closer to the truth. Following their lead now doesn’t lock anyone into anything. Not believing them does damage, whatever happens later.
Does this mean they’ll want hormones or surgery?
Not necessarily. Many non-binary people don’t seek any medical care. Others do, and it’s a personal decision made with a care team. The best way to know what your child wants is to ask, gently and without pressure.
Does being non-binary mean they’re gay?
No. Gender identity and sexual orientation are separate. A non-binary person can be attracted to anyone, or no one. See Understanding Sexual Orientation.
Relatives refuse to use their pronouns. What can I do?
Set the expectation clearly: “This is what we call our kid now. We’d like you to do the same.” Model it yourself every time. If someone keeps refusing, protect your child, whether that means shorter visits, correcting them in the moment, or talking with them privately first. Your child will notice whose side you’re on. For family gatherings, see Coming Out as a Parent.
My co-parent won’t use “they.”
That’s common, and it’s hard on everyone, especially your child. See When You and Your Co-parent Don’t Agree.
I miss saying “my son” or “my daughter.” Is that wrong?
No. Many parents feel a kind of grief, even while fully supporting their child. Your child is still here. What’s changed is how you describe them. Bring the grief to people who can hold it, like a partner, a friend or other parents at pflag, rather than to your child.
Read next: Understanding Gender Diversity · When You and Your Co-parent Don’t Agree · What to Expect at Your First pflag Meeting
You don’t have to do this alone
Parents of non-binary kids are at pflag meetings across Canada, and many remember feeling exactly how you feel now. Come with your questions, even the ones you think are silly.
Getting the pronouns right takes practice. Getting the love right starts today.
Need to talk to someone now?
If you or someone you love is in crisis, free support is available any time.
- 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline Call or text, 24/7, in English and French.
- 1-800-668-6868 Kids Help Phone For young people, 24/7.
- 1-877-330-6366 Trans Lifeline Peer support run by and for trans people.
If someone is in immediate danger, call 9-1-1.